I returned from my Ayurvedic weekend with an odd combination of dread and resolve. The threat to move me back to the beginners’ class was looming from Friday’s session, and the beating I took from the teacher at the spa had left its scars. But I was determined to stay in headstand for the full 5 minutes.
The class started at 7:00 am with handstands at the wall. Seriously? Handstands? What happened to a gentlecat/cow or some breathing exercises? We then moved into downward dog and some forward folding for at least a few minutes before the teacher announced it was time for Sirsasana – headstand. Having failed to tuck in my shirt for Handstands and never fully regaining my composure after that, I approached headstand with a combination of caution, care, and resolve to do it right. I would press into my forearms, extend through my heels, separate my hips from my ribcage, and lengthen my shoulders to avoid placing too much pressure on my head – all while maintaining one point of focus and smooth easy breathing. I began feeling fatigued after about 90 seconds into the pose. My neck was starting to hurt and my arms were shaking, but I looked across from me at an upside down man who seemed to float effortlessly on the other side of the room, and I decided that if he could do it, so could I.
Rule #1 in yoga is, or should be, not to base your practice on what someone else is doing. We are all progressing at our own pace and rarely do we benefit from reaching too far beyond our physical limitations. But I had been humiliated on Friday, embarrassed on Sunday, and I was determined to prove myself worthy of intermediate yoga. Rule #2 in yoga is or should be, don’t try to prove anything to anybody. They don’t care as much as you might like to think!
Three minutes in I was dying. The teacher walked around the room commanding us to focus on the fabulous minutiae that would render our bodies weightless, if only we could access them. I couldn’t access anything in that moment, much less feel weightless in any way.
With only 1 minute to go, I was on the verge of collapse. My neck was throbbing, my arms were spent, and even my legs hung limp against the wall. The wall was the only thing holding me up: that and my desperate longing for redemption. I willed myself to slow my breathing: making each inhalation deliberate and each exhale sustained. I needed to come down. I wanted to come down. It would be so easy to come down. This was the longest minute in the history of time. ‘He has to release us sometime today!’ I thought to myself as I endured the torture. There was only one breath left, but I of course had no way of knowing that. My knees started to lower themselves but I stopped them. Coming down one breath too soon would be no different than coming down after 60 seconds. I’d come this far. “I can do this! If I have to skip yoga for the rest of the week, I can do this. If I’m paralyzed from the neck down for the rest of my life, I can do this! I can do this. I can make it! Oh my G*d my neck is killing me….
“And down,” he commanded as if any of us had plans to resist.
What happened next I could not have seen coming:
Typically after headstand the teacher puts everyone in a relaxing restorative pose. People get dizzy and it can take a few minutes to adjust to being rightside up again. I was a wreck. I could hardly move and my world was spinning. My will had been triumphant but my corpse was paying the price. “Handstands everybody. Use the wall if you need to.”
There was no blood in my body. No strength either. I looked at him like he was crazy. “Why aren’t you doing it?” he asked rather loudly. And then, showing his humanity, he taught me how to use the wall ropes to bring some feeling back into my neck. Only 5 minutes later, during Ustransana (Camel Pose), he touched me gently on the foot and said quietly, “Talk to Pandu after class and ask him to move you to the beginning class. Tell him it was my idea. Your Asanas are okay, but you lack the endurance necessary for Intermediate yoga.”
*** One week later my prayers were answered. This same teacher broke down headstand for us beginners and I was able to enter the pose with the weightless control I’d seen in others. I didn’t try to stay there for 5 minutes as before, but the time I spent upside down was deliberate, controlled, and unsupported by the wall. There’s something to be said for strict teaching, and as much to be said for patient and thorough explanations.